In this very open account, Chloe Sawbridge records a journey through the human experience, noticing moments of melancholy and joy whilst appreciating both for their part in the human condition. A peaceful, eloquent and direct voice guides us through the phases of the journey, creating images that are all together and at once both vivid and soft, relatable and ephemeral, a lucid dream.
Six months ago, I was sat in my bedroom at my University in a deep depression. However, this felt completely different than the suffocating feeling I’d ever felt before, it felt peaceful. Like I was one with the universe, reality felt so slow. So, while blasting ‘K.’ By Cigarettes After Sex’, tears streaming down my face, I wrote the following…
I want to be human.
I mean to say:
I want to immerse myself in the human experience.
Life consists of no simple ‘good’ or ‘bad’
Moments that make up one’s soul.
And everything in between;
I just want to feel.
Of just plainly existing.
Droplets of rain kissing cheeks to mask one’s deepest sadness.
Of wind intertwining around one’s fingers,
Causing one to gently clasp them together
Craving touch and affection,
To just feel their own fingers against their palm.
That realisation that you truly are alone.
Yet the ability to feel such melancholia is a phenomenon of the human experience.
Intertwine the euphoric with the melancholic
Finding an intense stream of of euphoric happiness in a deep drowning moment of sadness;
This is the epitome of humanity.
3 months ago, when restrictions began to ease, my perception of peace again altered. I had moved back to my hometown and became immersed in the hustle and bustle of reaching my life goals, being fully consumed by them and the only slow moment was taking the time to make dinner every evening, belting certain numbers from Hamilton. While this sounds to be energetic and fast-paced, this was a new form of peace to me. It enabled me to express my emotions to movement and creation, forming a new peace within myself.
Is this the definition of Carpe Diem?
Is this what life is all about?
Why does chaos make me feel peaceful?
Take us to now, present-day, present moment. I’m back in my University city sat by the river, watching ducks waddle across the park and listening to smooth jazz with a chai latte after a coffee filled Frasier Crane like morning. You see… nature, cooking and music have become a crutch for my mental well-being and inner peace.
I am whole.
I am human.
Finding peace is a journey. Like a wise man once told me (okay, my Dad, but you get the point) You’ll reach your destination, but enjoy the journey. Peace and serenity can be found through many different avenues, each of which are just as beautiful as each other.